loffyglu: Hotaru from Sailor Moon looking nervous. (Nervous...)
2014-02-03 10:14 pm
Entry tags:

Worrying about stuff, I guess.

You know, I'm sometimes a little sad that I seem to get the most attached to people who seem so... well, detached.

Like, if they seem distant or uncaring, I have to keep reminding myself that they aren't and the fact that they don't show it/act in ways that suggest they don't care is just a part of who they are. Mostly because I happen to be super emotional and I have almost no qualms with showing it, but not everyone is like that.

But then I wonder if that's healthy. I wonder if people who are like that are really even healthy people to be around. I wonder if I'm being self-destructive by drawing myself to people like that and keeping them in my life. I can agonize all I want about whether they'd decide "fuck it all" at the drop of a hat, but at the end of the day, whose fault is it if I get hurt because they're just being who they are? Is it mine?

And then I have to wonder how I even latch onto these people in the first place. I'm happy with who I am, but if I were to meet myself, I really don't think we'd get along; I can't really handle someone who's as emotional as I am, I guess (and then I wonder how much of that is internalized misogyny, but that's another topic for another day). It'd be overwhelming for me. But can't I just find people who won't give me the cold shoulder?

Hah. Interesting how my train of thought always leads to me blaming myself. I always try to tell myself "screw that, I'm wonderful," but I don't know if I really believe that.